If serving is an act of love, are you loving well?

Here's to once again, trying again.. 

The past 8 years, I've tried to journal, out of a feeling of knowing it would make me better.  I know it will make me better, but I don't really want to be better.  I don't want to put forth the effort to be better.. Because, while I'm not wont to admit. I'm lazy.. There I've said it.. I don't want to be, but I am.  I'm 35 years young and I've spent the last 8 years, with a negative attitude not putting forth the effort.  I can't believe the choices I've made that have led to me being "JUST" a stay at home mom. Bitter and ungrateful.. I am a stay at home mom that  hated it, that looked down at other moms who truly wanted this even after their kids started school.  My judgement was exponentially greater, if they had a degree. "You've spent money to get a degree and now your not going put it to use."  Judgemental and jealous, I listened to women speak of how they are choosing to stay home. While, mentally I raged, "If, I had a degree that could support childcare and my consumerism, I would definitely put it to use.  I wouldn't dare expect my husband to support me financially if I could have a "REAL" job after the kids were in school." 

I was wrong. 

I have a "REAL" Job, while not glamorous or appreciated, it's one of the most important jobs and GOD has blessed me.  While, I still struggle with judgement of other women.  I realize we all have our own struggles, our own ideas about life and our own failings.  Today, I was lucky enough to attend church.  The pastor spoke on dark sin and  by only truly giving up and giving it to GOD could we be redeemed from it.. Christians so many times say simply "Just stop..." We as a people aren't.. We aren't clinging to Jesus in rescue, we're trying to control and abstain ourselves.. I realized that one of my biggest sins besides they typical sins, has been my heart towards my service to my family.

For nearly eight years, I have chafed against my role as a Stay at Home Mom. This isn't what I had intended for my life.  I was going to do something, to be somebody.  I wasn't made for domestic arts, I've read books, blogs, tweets on how to be a better mom, wife and homemaker and I still suck. I can't wait to go back to school to get my degree, so that I can start my life.  These have been my thoughts for the past 8 years.. 

Today, I realized thanks to GOD speaking through Jonah, Bob, and Don.  My job is nothing more than an Act of Service. An Act of service, should always be an act of love, not an act of obligation, or an act of tit for tat, but an Act of Love.  

For eight years my Person has provided for me financially, overlooked the messy house, and tried to continuously show me that I am good enough, that I am worthy.  He doesn't claim Jesus. YET.   He has shown me the love of Jesus in marriage for 14 years now.  I thank GOD for him, I have been serving him and my boys with a heart of bitterness, and regret and selfishness. 

I realized at lunch with friends today that if I do my job with resentment and bitterness, or begrudgingly it isn't love that I am showing but obligation, or selfishness.. I want to show my beautiful boys that LOVE is an action, that LOVE Does.  I haven't been doing that. From this point forward, I'm going to try. When I fail, which I will do, I'm going to remember that Christ died in the most shameful way, to overcome all my shame, guilt and despair.  I am a daughter of king,  I am a wife, I am a mom and that is good enough. It is a blessing.  So, here's to trying again, to relying on grace when you don't measure up and having a heart of love in all things.  

Be GOD's.

~G

A New Beginning.

Wow, it's been 3 years and 3 months since my last post..  I guess blogging/journaling has been something I've yet to master..

We are now living near Louisville, Ky.  Ryan has a job, that he adores. Cole is in the 1st grade is taller than the majority of kids his age and loves all the things his dad loved at that age. Lego, Video Games, Super Heroes, Doctor Who etc.. We also have a now 2 year old son Colin.  He is the opposite of Cole and yet the same.  He's my little man.  He's never met an Apple device that he couldn't conquer. He loves all things Nick Jr and making videos of himself.  I am still a work in progress. One day at a time. One prayer at a time.  This move hurt more than the one to Columbus.  However, "home" is only an hour and a half away.  We've been here since May and we're still getting acclimated  to the area..

A woman and her journal part deux

So, it's been 2 years and almost 2 months since my last post.. It seems like a lifetime ago.. I'm still a mom, I'm still a wife and I still love Jesus.

Not fully, not freely. still filled with self doubt, self hate.. self...

We moved to Ohio, we had the American suburbia life *empty* filled with stuff. We were driving back and forth to Indiana every weekend due to "mom" being sick. She got really sick I had a job and quit to care for her during the summer of 08. I took the job back. She got really sick. I got sick, cancer, surgery. We moved back to care for her permanently. She died the next day..
The bottom fell out.

I learned the Jesus is using people. My family people, (my church people). I love them. They are good when no one else is. They are sinners, sanctified.

I have been given a simple temple to care for not abuse. I've been given a beautiful little boy full of mischief and mirth. Who I will raise up in the ways of GOOD and not evil. Whom I will love and adore. Not abuse and ignore.

I will honor the gift of my spouse, who loves me for me and all the ways in which I am not him, that drive him mad. Pray for him, support him, nurture him.

Most importantly, I will learn to love me with all my flaws so that I can forget about "ME" Because each moment I focus on "me" I lose sight of He. He who died on tree. The ultimate self sacrifice.. The one who heals the broken.

These are my daily prayers.. I want to become a habitual prayer. a habitual reader of the gospels. To give up my habitual lateness. My habitual gossip gathering/celebrity addiction. My social networking addictions, my carbohydrate addictions, my TV/Internet addictions.

I want to keep a prayer journal.. I want to knit more. TO drink more tea and less carbonation.
I want to give my temple rest.

CHA CHA CHANGES...

So today my beautiful son turned 18 months old and we went to visit him mammaw and pappaw the greats. It was the first time I had saw them since June. I was with them when Ryan called me with the news of the job offer. Well, since that time my Pappaw's kidneys have revolted. He is on full dialysis and it shows. How is it that one of physically strongest persons I have had the honor of of meeting can change in such a short time.. It's not just his physical strength but it strength of spirit, My paw is 50% Native American and that strong solid spirit has always been with him.. I was shocked at how tired and weak he looked.. I am utterly heartbroken. My mammaw is me in 42 years if I don't give all my neurosis to GOD. She's full of worry and fret and false positivity, my fear is that this will unknowingly bring pappaw down.. I am so heartbroken that I have been cleaning. If you know me well, you know that I'm really upset if I'm cleaning ferociously. I am heartbroken because my son has had a miniscule amount of contact to the two people who in all of the chaos of my life have been solid stability for me. I have idealistically had visions of him camping with them at the lake, just like I did as a kid.. Most of the fondest memories as a kid for me were with them.. I now realize this won't happen and NOW We're MOVING OUT OF STATE!!!

I'm not dealing, I'm a mad 5 year old inside screaming I Don't want to.. I don't know why, I think It's because in my previous 37 yes I said 37 previous moves, I've never been terrified. I am terrified. I want Cole to know his heritage. Where he comes from, I don't have this fear for the Coleman side of the family, I don't know why Peg's health is just as touchy and yet my brain can't begin to comprehend that. My son is so connected to these people, he sees them almost daily..

Cole has only met people from my side of the family a few times, though they aren't the most functional of people they are who I come from and that is hugely important to me. I have fears that this may never happen.. It's quite tragic really.

On top of today, I have been highly emotional sobbing at the drop of hat the past few days.. HORMONES are fantastic.. I adore them* (Note the dripping sarcasm) My goal this week was to pack and to write letters to all the people that have come to mean a lot to me.. I've put off both.. and now I'm blogging. Mrs Procrastination thank you kindly.. Well, it after midnight and i should be sleeping.. Father God, Thanks for loving us in all our mess.. I pray your will be done in what is to come, that you shelter me from the storm and give me peace. Let me honor that gifts that you have given me.

g

what can happen in a year

It's been almost a year since my last post.. My how time flies..

My little baby is now 17 months old and busy busy busy.

Medically, my body continues to age rapidly.. I need surgery to remove a growth on my thyroid. I may have early arthritis in my hips. I'm still dealing with my ADD.

The past 3 months have been probably been the hardest I've dealt with for a long while.. At the end of May, Ryan decided he would start looking for a new job in Ohio. While this is what I had wanted for a long time.. I wasn't quite prepared for what was to come. Ryan interviewed two weeks after this decision and began working 2 weeks later. So in a month my husband moved to Ohio, and left me to renovate our house and raise our child.. Coming home on weekends to offer what help he could.. I completed the task with the help of some friends, but I've lost what little sanity I may have..

I think the most tragic thing is the fact that my husbands narcissism keeps him from seeing reality. I'm mentally exhausted from trying to get a man's brain to really get it.. He just doesn't get it.. Billy Idol gets, why can't he???

I lack hope, I have never in my life lacked hope.. This alarms me.. I need idealistic people in my life.. I'm so excited to hang with Meg and Brian.. and their respective partners.. I'm excited for Cole to grow up in diversity.. To see different cultures regularly..

I'm not excited to leave Journey and yet in some ways it seems I already have.. Hopefully the women's retreat will renew the relationships there..

I'm not excited to leave the great support network of Ryan's family, the Aunties as Ryan affectionately refers to as the three witches. Cole is going to be so heartbroken, not to mention Granny... My family has not been very proactive in spending time with Cole, whether by choice or geographical barriers. I'm living at my mother in laws so to leave my home staged and vacant so as to be able to show it whenever.. IF only we could get showings. The market sucks.. Our house has a lot of charm but, it also has some serious negatives. 1 bath and septic.. I don't know.. GOD HELP!!!!! Help me to have faith, to get it.. Take away the fret, the worry, the negativity.. I want it no more, I want peace to not break under pressure.. Thanks for listening.. Thanks for loving me... Thanks for the grace.

g.

Welcome to the world of ADD

Okay, it's no secret that I'm totally ADD, but I have to admit that as of late, I am continuously driving myself and Ryan mad over it.. To complete any task is a chore plus give Cole the constant attention he needs.. I'm failing miserably to point at which Ryan wants me to get put back on meds..

So we went to CMH this past weekend.. I met Meg's friends Chad *he recommends Adderal, says it's a marriage saver* whom I had previously met as he was my cousin's best friend and his wife Kristi. Joe and Jenn, who could totally see myself being the best of friends with. Kristin & Jr. Katie, Tim and Jennifer and Abby. They were all like a family unit it was amazing. I, so yearned for that kind of relations in my life. I was ready to put a sign in my yard pack a uhaul and say sayanora to sw indiana. I love my small group, but becoming incorporated into them has been extremely difficult. I don't know why.. Even when I put myself out there I feel like an outsider, I know it's Ryan the fact that he doesn't want to be part of it and he is a part of me Well needless to say it sucks.. I felt at home, for the first time in ages.. And Honestly, everything I enter into the realm of Central Ohio, I feel a peace come over me. I'm home. We left 4 years ago in December and I'm still not a peace with the decision.. I don't feel as though we should have left. I think this last trip totally reinforced that.. We took Cole to just a few of our old haunts. I want him to grow up there to know those places. As we checked out of our hotel on Sunday, the same sadness/complete sorrow grabbed me.. I didn't speak, I couldn't.. My voice would have betrayed me.. Ryan knows me.. He gets angry, I don't think he was angry at me but more at himself, because he was the one who made the choice, but he takes it out on me out of frustration..So enter *Satan* as he *Ryan* tries to cheer me up, not really knowing how to. 4.5 hours later, AVOIDANCE is key right?? He makes the comment that where currently live is hell in my mind being an anger ball and me crying telling him to shut up. I'm doing the best I can to hold it together and focus on the positives of my current situation *GROUP* and he has to be a giant arse about it.. My voice breaks he feels sorrow and desperation in his voice "just give me more time." to which I reply in frustration and anger "I've already given you.." I didn't finish the sentence.. I didn't want to go there.. I don't want to point out the obvious.. Change the subject don't discuss it that is what we do.. BLAH!!! It's quite sickening.. Cole was the current interruption and a joyous one at that.. He can make me laugh no matter what the situation unless he's been screaming for 4 hours straight in sheer delight. Joyfully loud.. It does grate on one's nerves after awhile.. Though, I smile none the less.

The mean reds always get me when we leave, it's how long they last that is the question.. I choose not to wallow in them.. Ryan just called to check on me.. Wanted to make sure I was okay.. I do love him, he is a true gift from GOD though he is VERY Human.. I feel like God will send us back the question is when.. So, I now wait PATIENTLY upon the LORD for he is my Rock and my Strength.. Okay well, I should probably go.

Peace and light

Gina

Soulful Yearnings

Hear are my soulful yearnings

straight up.

To know scripture like I know who's dating/buying/birthing what in Hollywood.

For my husband to love christ as much as he loves me or better yet himself..

For my son to be empathetic towards all people, to be crunchy granola.

To become what christ desires..

To learn to listen and not yap so much *Especially at group*

To adopt 2 more children a girl of either asian or biracial descent. And a son of asian or biracial descent..

To finish school in the time alotted. Spring 09 BSN

To dance in the rain with my husband on the Ponte Vecchio.

i want for this capitalistic society to be a little more like a socialist society.. COMPASSION Rules Over Greed.

I want to live a long happy life with my family without drama, angst and illness.