Okay, it's no secret that I'm totally ADD, but I have to admit that as of late, I am continuously driving myself and Ryan mad over it.. To complete any task is a chore plus give Cole the constant attention he needs.. I'm failing miserably to point at which Ryan wants me to get put back on meds..
So we went to CMH this past weekend.. I met Meg's friends Chad *he recommends Adderal, says it's a marriage saver* whom I had previously met as he was my cousin's best friend and his wife Kristi. Joe and Jenn, who could totally see myself being the best of friends with. Kristin & Jr. Katie, Tim and Jennifer and Abby. They were all like a family unit it was amazing. I, so yearned for that kind of relations in my life. I was ready to put a sign in my yard pack a uhaul and say sayanora to sw indiana. I love my small group, but becoming incorporated into them has been extremely difficult. I don't know why.. Even when I put myself out there I feel like an outsider, I know it's Ryan the fact that he doesn't want to be part of it and he is a part of me Well needless to say it sucks.. I felt at home, for the first time in ages.. And Honestly, everything I enter into the realm of Central Ohio, I feel a peace come over me. I'm home. We left 4 years ago in December and I'm still not a peace with the decision.. I don't feel as though we should have left. I think this last trip totally reinforced that.. We took Cole to just a few of our old haunts. I want him to grow up there to know those places. As we checked out of our hotel on Sunday, the same sadness/complete sorrow grabbed me.. I didn't speak, I couldn't.. My voice would have betrayed me.. Ryan knows me.. He gets angry, I don't think he was angry at me but more at himself, because he was the one who made the choice, but he takes it out on me out of frustration..So enter *Satan* as he *Ryan* tries to cheer me up, not really knowing how to. 4.5 hours later, AVOIDANCE is key right?? He makes the comment that where currently live is hell in my mind being an anger ball and me crying telling him to shut up. I'm doing the best I can to hold it together and focus on the positives of my current situation *GROUP* and he has to be a giant arse about it.. My voice breaks he feels sorrow and desperation in his voice "just give me more time." to which I reply in frustration and anger "I've already given you.." I didn't finish the sentence.. I didn't want to go there.. I don't want to point out the obvious.. Change the subject don't discuss it that is what we do.. BLAH!!! It's quite sickening.. Cole was the current interruption and a joyous one at that.. He can make me laugh no matter what the situation unless he's been screaming for 4 hours straight in sheer delight. Joyfully loud.. It does grate on one's nerves after awhile.. Though, I smile none the less.
The mean reds always get me when we leave, it's how long they last that is the question.. I choose not to wallow in them.. Ryan just called to check on me.. Wanted to make sure I was okay.. I do love him, he is a true gift from GOD though he is VERY Human.. I feel like God will send us back the question is when.. So, I now wait PATIENTLY upon the LORD for he is my Rock and my Strength.. Okay well, I should probably go.
Peace and light
Gina
