CHA CHA CHANGES...

So today my beautiful son turned 18 months old and we went to visit him mammaw and pappaw the greats. It was the first time I had saw them since June. I was with them when Ryan called me with the news of the job offer. Well, since that time my Pappaw's kidneys have revolted. He is on full dialysis and it shows. How is it that one of physically strongest persons I have had the honor of of meeting can change in such a short time.. It's not just his physical strength but it strength of spirit, My paw is 50% Native American and that strong solid spirit has always been with him.. I was shocked at how tired and weak he looked.. I am utterly heartbroken. My mammaw is me in 42 years if I don't give all my neurosis to GOD. She's full of worry and fret and false positivity, my fear is that this will unknowingly bring pappaw down.. I am so heartbroken that I have been cleaning. If you know me well, you know that I'm really upset if I'm cleaning ferociously. I am heartbroken because my son has had a miniscule amount of contact to the two people who in all of the chaos of my life have been solid stability for me. I have idealistically had visions of him camping with them at the lake, just like I did as a kid.. Most of the fondest memories as a kid for me were with them.. I now realize this won't happen and NOW We're MOVING OUT OF STATE!!!

I'm not dealing, I'm a mad 5 year old inside screaming I Don't want to.. I don't know why, I think It's because in my previous 37 yes I said 37 previous moves, I've never been terrified. I am terrified. I want Cole to know his heritage. Where he comes from, I don't have this fear for the Coleman side of the family, I don't know why Peg's health is just as touchy and yet my brain can't begin to comprehend that. My son is so connected to these people, he sees them almost daily..

Cole has only met people from my side of the family a few times, though they aren't the most functional of people they are who I come from and that is hugely important to me. I have fears that this may never happen.. It's quite tragic really.

On top of today, I have been highly emotional sobbing at the drop of hat the past few days.. HORMONES are fantastic.. I adore them* (Note the dripping sarcasm) My goal this week was to pack and to write letters to all the people that have come to mean a lot to me.. I've put off both.. and now I'm blogging. Mrs Procrastination thank you kindly.. Well, it after midnight and i should be sleeping.. Father God, Thanks for loving us in all our mess.. I pray your will be done in what is to come, that you shelter me from the storm and give me peace. Let me honor that gifts that you have given me.

g

what can happen in a year

It's been almost a year since my last post.. My how time flies..

My little baby is now 17 months old and busy busy busy.

Medically, my body continues to age rapidly.. I need surgery to remove a growth on my thyroid. I may have early arthritis in my hips. I'm still dealing with my ADD.

The past 3 months have been probably been the hardest I've dealt with for a long while.. At the end of May, Ryan decided he would start looking for a new job in Ohio. While this is what I had wanted for a long time.. I wasn't quite prepared for what was to come. Ryan interviewed two weeks after this decision and began working 2 weeks later. So in a month my husband moved to Ohio, and left me to renovate our house and raise our child.. Coming home on weekends to offer what help he could.. I completed the task with the help of some friends, but I've lost what little sanity I may have..

I think the most tragic thing is the fact that my husbands narcissism keeps him from seeing reality. I'm mentally exhausted from trying to get a man's brain to really get it.. He just doesn't get it.. Billy Idol gets, why can't he???

I lack hope, I have never in my life lacked hope.. This alarms me.. I need idealistic people in my life.. I'm so excited to hang with Meg and Brian.. and their respective partners.. I'm excited for Cole to grow up in diversity.. To see different cultures regularly..

I'm not excited to leave Journey and yet in some ways it seems I already have.. Hopefully the women's retreat will renew the relationships there..

I'm not excited to leave the great support network of Ryan's family, the Aunties as Ryan affectionately refers to as the three witches. Cole is going to be so heartbroken, not to mention Granny... My family has not been very proactive in spending time with Cole, whether by choice or geographical barriers. I'm living at my mother in laws so to leave my home staged and vacant so as to be able to show it whenever.. IF only we could get showings. The market sucks.. Our house has a lot of charm but, it also has some serious negatives. 1 bath and septic.. I don't know.. GOD HELP!!!!! Help me to have faith, to get it.. Take away the fret, the worry, the negativity.. I want it no more, I want peace to not break under pressure.. Thanks for listening.. Thanks for loving me... Thanks for the grace.

g.