Welcome to the world of ADD

Okay, it's no secret that I'm totally ADD, but I have to admit that as of late, I am continuously driving myself and Ryan mad over it.. To complete any task is a chore plus give Cole the constant attention he needs.. I'm failing miserably to point at which Ryan wants me to get put back on meds..

So we went to CMH this past weekend.. I met Meg's friends Chad *he recommends Adderal, says it's a marriage saver* whom I had previously met as he was my cousin's best friend and his wife Kristi. Joe and Jenn, who could totally see myself being the best of friends with. Kristin & Jr. Katie, Tim and Jennifer and Abby. They were all like a family unit it was amazing. I, so yearned for that kind of relations in my life. I was ready to put a sign in my yard pack a uhaul and say sayanora to sw indiana. I love my small group, but becoming incorporated into them has been extremely difficult. I don't know why.. Even when I put myself out there I feel like an outsider, I know it's Ryan the fact that he doesn't want to be part of it and he is a part of me Well needless to say it sucks.. I felt at home, for the first time in ages.. And Honestly, everything I enter into the realm of Central Ohio, I feel a peace come over me. I'm home. We left 4 years ago in December and I'm still not a peace with the decision.. I don't feel as though we should have left. I think this last trip totally reinforced that.. We took Cole to just a few of our old haunts. I want him to grow up there to know those places. As we checked out of our hotel on Sunday, the same sadness/complete sorrow grabbed me.. I didn't speak, I couldn't.. My voice would have betrayed me.. Ryan knows me.. He gets angry, I don't think he was angry at me but more at himself, because he was the one who made the choice, but he takes it out on me out of frustration..So enter *Satan* as he *Ryan* tries to cheer me up, not really knowing how to. 4.5 hours later, AVOIDANCE is key right?? He makes the comment that where currently live is hell in my mind being an anger ball and me crying telling him to shut up. I'm doing the best I can to hold it together and focus on the positives of my current situation *GROUP* and he has to be a giant arse about it.. My voice breaks he feels sorrow and desperation in his voice "just give me more time." to which I reply in frustration and anger "I've already given you.." I didn't finish the sentence.. I didn't want to go there.. I don't want to point out the obvious.. Change the subject don't discuss it that is what we do.. BLAH!!! It's quite sickening.. Cole was the current interruption and a joyous one at that.. He can make me laugh no matter what the situation unless he's been screaming for 4 hours straight in sheer delight. Joyfully loud.. It does grate on one's nerves after awhile.. Though, I smile none the less.

The mean reds always get me when we leave, it's how long they last that is the question.. I choose not to wallow in them.. Ryan just called to check on me.. Wanted to make sure I was okay.. I do love him, he is a true gift from GOD though he is VERY Human.. I feel like God will send us back the question is when.. So, I now wait PATIENTLY upon the LORD for he is my Rock and my Strength.. Okay well, I should probably go.

Peace and light

Gina

Soulful Yearnings

Hear are my soulful yearnings

straight up.

To know scripture like I know who's dating/buying/birthing what in Hollywood.

For my husband to love christ as much as he loves me or better yet himself..

For my son to be empathetic towards all people, to be crunchy granola.

To become what christ desires..

To learn to listen and not yap so much *Especially at group*

To adopt 2 more children a girl of either asian or biracial descent. And a son of asian or biracial descent..

To finish school in the time alotted. Spring 09 BSN

To dance in the rain with my husband on the Ponte Vecchio.

i want for this capitalistic society to be a little more like a socialist society.. COMPASSION Rules Over Greed.

I want to live a long happy life with my family without drama, angst and illness.

When it rains it pours...

SO I was admitted into the hospital at 1:30am on Thursday May 4th and Released in the afternoon.. They were watching me for Bleeding.. My DR screwed up.. But, I trust her judgment and I am a complicated case.. She's put me on loads of hormones and the bleeding has lessened substantially. I started back on the Coumadin.. We'll see if it starts up again.. I'm tired.. Tired of Hospitals, Tired of Female issues.. In Christ I will find rest.. My Heart knows this, I'm just trying to get my Head to go along..

Hormones rage and I worry about inconveinancing my inlaws, Peg has stayed since Tuesday.. Her health is lacking and yet she's been here.. My family on the other hand.. They have called but haven't visited since I left the hospital.. I got really frustrated today because my dad called and mentioned their was a car show in newburgh and that if he felt up to it he might come down.. Asking if it was close to the antique shops.. SO my step mom could visit those. When I told him that it wasn't.. He pretty much changed his mind.. It's like they take time for car shows or concerts or classes and yet when it comes to family.. I shouldn't be surprised they haven't been active in my siblings offspring unless they had something to do in the area.. I mean we've lived in this house for 2 years and they've visited maybe 5-10 times.. IT's so frustrating.. Oh well, it's the only earthly family I've got..

My church has been amazing a friend from my small group set up for meals to be delivered twice a week through the middle of may... I am amazed at how much this helps.. They really are an amazing group of people and I'm thankful God has blessed me in allowing me to know them.. Well, Ryan actually wants to watch a movie.. So

Peace & Light
G..

who needs sleep

When it comes to late night feedings, what works for one may definitely not work for others. I have come to adapt to 2.5-3hrs of sleep before each feeding.. On the weekends Ryan takes over well.. Ryan needs continous sleep.. We found this out.

Cole doesn't like to get cold.. He really doesn't like it.. HE TOTALLY GETS ANGRY! Ryan was changing him *Prior* to feeding, he had Cole lying on the cold plastic of the changing table.. COLE GOT ANGRY!! Ryan got Angry back.. I intervened and realized this is why GOD made the female the caretaker of children.. I always knew I was calm around children.. I proved it at 2:45 this morning.. I'm going back to bed now..

It's been a Month..

SO, I've been a mom for a month now.. TIME is so fleeting.. I live my life in 3 hour segments and yet It's already FRIDAY?? I have come to realize that I will never be a morning person.. I'm okay with the the getting up in the middle of the night feedings but the 6-7am feeding.. I pray Ryan will do the right thing and feed and change him.. This morning he did warm up the bottle and bring Cole to me.. I don't know that that's what I wanted but hey.. That's better than nothing right.. My small group has been amazing especially Rachel she set it up for my church to bring us meals. At first, I was like I don't really want the people to go out of there way.. Now I realize what a blessing it has been.. We have plenty of food..

Cole is now slightly smiling and I'm able to hold his attention more though his facial expressions sometimes give me a glimpse into the future. As a 13 year old boy rolls his eyes the moment his mom opens her mouth.. I'm not looking forward to this.. He adores music.. WHICH Makes me excited. He favors his Left hand.. Which makes me even more excited. He's going to be a football player and a creative genius.. WOOT.. Okay so I may be dreaming a bit there but one can hope right.. I just hope BJ is up for guitar lessons in a few years.. How young is too young for learing the guitar? He does prefer classical to Sufjan or Eastmountainsouth.. But hey, he's a month old..

My kindred spirit has let me know that she will be staying with us for the summer, I'm excited that she's going to be coming to terms with her family and spending time with her Godson.. Plus, it'll be good bonding time..

Ryan has been busy at work.. He's got a lot on his plate so, I'm trying to give him downtime and not resent him for it.. I now understand the life of a housewife who is unable to drive.. I'm excited to be able to DRIVE and Do more chores and bend over to pick up all the things that I drop... and lift more than a gallon of milk.. 2 weeks.. WOOT.. Oh well I should go wash bottles..

Peace and Light
Gina

Oh yeah if your in the Evansville area.. Check this out.
www.Journey242.com

If at first you don't suceed...

So I mainly just wanted to post more pics.. You can view our entire photo album.

But in regards to the title. I am officially registered for Anatomy and Physiology online starting this summer .. With the okay of my husband I am going to try the nursing profession yet again.. After my hospital experience, I realized I could do this.. So, I'm excited and a little nervous. I really don't want to screw this up.. I've got a child now ya know. GOD's got my back and through him all things are possible. My body is adjusting to sleeping in 3 hour intervals.. I'm doing okay I think.. I'm healing slowly but healing none the less. My coumadin levels seem okay. All is looking up.

Life or something like it.

CHAOS!.. I thought I was used to it. I thought I was okay with it, I was wrong.

On March 26 at 10 pm, Ryan and I entered Deaconess Women's Hospital thinking we were going to have a baby and leave 3 days later. God had other plans. We didn't leave until April 5th around 4pm. In the 11 days I saw new life and almost lost my own.. I realized I could love and be loved more than I ever thought possible. I thanked God for my husband and my son. Yes, Coleman Matthew Dean Ransford was born via emergency C-section at 3:31 pm on March 27th, 2006.

Three days later, they found multiple pulmonary embolists (blood clots in my lungs) and the next day a clot in my left leg. WOOT. Crazy times. I spent 6 days/5 nights in ICU and 3 days/2 nights on 5th floor med/surg. I don't want to be admitted into the hospital again for a long long time.

Ryan showed strength and courage and more love than I thought possible. I realized how much I was like my father in regards to giving up control and not pushing myself. For the first time in my life my memory was fuzzy. To many meds I guess. I'll be on blood thinners for at least the next 6 months. Maybe forever. I don't think that will be the case. I meet with the hematologist on Friday. He'll let me know then..

Peg stayed with us last week.. She really was a great help. Sleep.. We're getting more than most parents probably, Cole was sleeping in 3 hour segments. Now he wants to be awake more.. Plus the fact that I'm unable to really do anything besides care for him. Ryan has really been amazing.. I am so blessed. It's like we have bonded more than I ever thought possible.. GOD is awesome.

I'm now just waiting for the next 3 weeks to be up.. So, I can carry more than a gallon of milk, and hopefully Cole will sleep longer than 3 hours. And I can start walking him in the stroller and firming up. I miss the real world, I miss group and my comrades. Well, I've got bottles to wash/sanitize/make.

Peace & Light
gina

blah double blah

So, it's been close to two months since my last post.. I never really have been good about journals..

I am official full term 37 weeks pregnant. I AM SO OVER IT!! In fact, I think I'm having post partum about still being pregnant if there is such a thing.. I know I have been more emotional as of late. People are continually asking me has the baby come yet, NO. Ryan and I have been bickering more. I've been a lot more sensitive or he's being more of a jhole. I can't tell which. I do know we're both going through a lot right now and I think subconciously realizing how are lives really going to change.. I could barely walk last night.. It took all of my will to move one leg if front of the other, because of pain the way Cole is sitting.. Tuesday was a full moon. I walked the mall 2 hours praying that GOD would allow this child to be born.. Nada. :o( I could barely walk this morning so, I called in. I officially start leave 5 o'clock tomorrow night. SO, I'm going to try all the old wives tales this weekend.. Except for the castor oil.. If you have any helpful hints please leave a comment.

In getting everything ready for the baby, I can say I feel almost like a single.. Ryan hasn't really been an active participant because he doesn't feel it's important. I'm the researcher. Though, he did do the things I was unable to do paint the room, put the crib together, and the play yard.. We were really blessed in being given two baby showers.. We were also given two expensive travel systems. One won't be in until April 4th. I want to be a good steward of these gifts.. Apparently, I've put to much thought and energy in how to be a good steward.. Ryan believes me to be a time wasting deliberator.. Which I will admit bothers me immensley. I will take time to make what I believe to be the right decision and still have buyers remorse.. I know this is annoying. I guess I have a huge fear of making the wrong choice, yet if you are aware of my background this makes perfect sense. Whereas he is definite in his decisions in regards to purchases.. I guess that would be because he doesn't weigh cost vs quality. Time is most important to him. OR that it isn't a big deal.. I am the complete and total opposite. I research consumer reports read hundreds of online reviews talk to people and then choose the most practical option.. It annoys even me. But, that is part of who I am, and you need to accept all aspects of a person.. I can't even remember the point of my rant... I guess I'm just feeling extremely overwhelmed.

Time is Fleeting

Where has the time went. Has it really been 2+ months since my last post.. Wow, Okay well Thanksgiving we went down to Alabama with my mom and sister.. Then the following week we drove back down and picked up my nephew to stay with us through Christmas so that he could heal from surgery. I would not suggest this to a pregnant person w/ no kids during the holidays.. Though, I do miss him. Ryan and I really got a taste of what we're in for.. Needless to say. EXHAUSTION is going to be our flavor of the day I think.. Christmas was surprisingly peaceful.. We were blessed and I'm thankful to have seen our family.. I am now 75% through my pregnancy, I had calculated that I was 90% through, and extremely excited. In speaking with Ryan he informed me that "He loved my but, I've got 25% more to go not 10% and he fell over on the bed laughing at how upset this made me.. I was dumbfounded.. I had somehow calculated 30 out of 40 to be 90.. Bummer.. Not that I am totally miserable.. I am just impatient by nature as well, I'm not dealing to well with the lack of sleep.. I mean, I haven't gotten gestational diabetes, my bloodpressure is perfect and I'm not on bedrest. God is really blessing me.. I need to see that I am truly being blessed in comparison to other women. I'm still working full time at my jorb, and have found finding quality daycare to be a chore.. The current waitlist for infants 1-1.5 years at the place I had chosen.. WELL, that's not going to work.. Ryan says I should just not worry about it and stay home.. I'm wanting to agree with him.. I'll tell the powers that be today at my review, of course once the review has been done.. I've made it to Group and Wed night service.. Sunday mornings aren't my friend as of late.. I'm also knitting successfully and by successfully I mean I haven't quit after the first few rows... We traded to an older car which lowered our insurance/car payment.. We are in a Prepared Child Birth Class. It's every monday so we have it tonight. I was really worried about Ryan watching the videos.. He held up like a champ I was really proud of him.. Well, untill next post. May all of you remember how blessed you are by God's Grace.
OH YEAH JENN KNAPP HAS A NEW ALBUM OUT TOMORROW GO BUY IT!
peace & light

gina